Me Me Me
Here is an exclusive preview of my one-man show for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.
ME ME ME
A one-man show created by Matthew John Quartermaine.
Written, produced and directed by Matthew John Quartermaine.
Starring Matthew John Quartermaine.
Matthew:
Shut up, everyone, look at me! Come join me in my mind, which is so complex that it has thingy bits all over it.
Me, what am I thinking? There is stuff in my head what I am making thoughts about. I am me. I am human. I have feelings, all sorts of feelings; big feelings, small feelings, feelings I have had before, feelings when I touch stuff, feelings about having feelings. Ants have feelings on the top of their heads.
I am so important to me. ‘I’ is the most important word in the English language, right after ‘important’. There is no word more important than ‘important’, except for ‘very important’, which is two words and is not appropriate.
Shut up, everyone, I’m thinking!
My opinion is tops. I thunk stuff in my head which you will all reckon is spot on the same as your lives, only not as important as my life. My life is so important to me, I think I would run away from anything just to make sure I don’t lose it. I would leave a relative in a burning car, just in case I might lose my much more important life. It’s my life, so don’t touch it or poke it with really pointy sticks.
Sometimes, life has no meaning for me, but then I play ‘Halo’ and I feel much better, thanks.
Shut up, everyone, I’m feeling!
Sometimes I am happy. Sometimes I am sad. Sad bits aren’t as good as happy bits. Happy bits are much happier than sad bits. If you put all of the sad bits of your life together, end to end, you would have one big long sad bit. Please don’t operate heavy machinery during long sad bits.
Shut up, everyone, I’m remembering!
It is time I told you of my childhood; my dark, painful childhood. Childhood is the baggage of mankind that he must carry around with him, like a bumbag with a combination lock. One of my younger brothers used to hide his Twisties until I’d eaten all of mine, then he’d eat his in front of me. I still bear the emotional scars from that childhood incident. Oh, the Twisties! Oh, the big fat one with extra msg!
I feel better now. A weight has lifted from my shoulders. Thank you for paying thirty bucks to share that with me.
Shut up, everyone, I feel better now!
Life is an emotional rollercoaster. You strap yourself in as the carriage rises and rises, and when it reaches its peak, the person next to you spews in your lap.
Shut up, everyone, I’m more important than youse!
The show is finished. Please make your way to the exits, as the comedian with a foreign accent has to start his sold-out show. Thank you.
Matt Quartermaine is a Melbourne-based writer and comedian. With Matt Parkinson, Tim Smith and Andrew Goodone, he produces ‘The Chat’, a weekly podcast in which four grown men in comfortable chairs spill their guts. Click here to download it for free at iTunes.
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