No Show, All Business
I recently had the displeasure of seeing Sexiest Celebrity Body Parts, late one night (10.30pm) on Channel 7. As its name suggests, this show doesn’t even use the whole celebrity, just the ‘best’ bits. (And in this case, the parts made a hole in my life.)
Sadly, Sexiest Celebrity Body Parts is just one of a seemingly endless number of bargain-basement offerings on Australian television stations, which are using more and more cheap filler to feed not only their standard programming, but also the perpetually hungry beasts of digital and pay-TV. Of course, the companies that run these TV stations aim to turn a profit by producing the largest number of shows for the least amount of money. That’s why they call it Show Business, folks.
A stalwart of the television filler has been the ‘behind the scenes’ show, like Dr Who Confidential, which features lots of footage from the program the viewer has just watched, coupled with endless shots of actors emoting their hearts out in front of a giant green screen. But the newest and cheapest kids on the block are shows like 20 to 1… or Sexiest Celebrity Body Parts, which are cobbled together from old footage linked by ‘expert’ opinions – inevitably from a comedian I’ve never heard of, a gossip columnist I’ve never read or an outrageously accented fashion expert I can’t understand. In fact, the only qualification that you need to be an expert on these shows is the ability to discuss the intimate details of the lives of people you have never met.
These shows wade (and sometimes sink) in the shallow end of the celebrity gene pool. Sexiest Celebrity Body Parts doesn’t disappoint on this front. Naturally, the experts chose Angelina Jolie’s eyes and Matthew McConaughey’s chest – a Frankenstein concoction that produces a beautiful mannequin, not a beautiful human. Never mind who is the best humanitarian, the nicest neighbour or even the finest actor.
If I were to create the perfect 21st century actor, they would have Meryl Streep’s accents, Jimmy Stewart’s stutter and the pain expressed in Marlon Brando’s eyes, all in the body of a Transformer. And if we’re going to follow this specious route to its logical conclusion, why not also create award shows for celebrities’ body parts? ‘I’d like to thank God for giving me my butt,’ someone could say. ‘We’ve been through some rough times and the cracks have shown in our relationship, but I’d like to thank my butt for always being there for me, because without it I would have nowhere to sit.’
This piece originally appeared in ‘The Big Issue’.
Matt Quartermaine is a Melbourne-based writer and comedian. With Matt Parkinson, Tim Smith and Andrew Goodone, he produces ‘The Chat’, a weekly podcast in which four grown men in comfortable chairs spill their guts. Click here to download it for free at iTunes.
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