Dear Santa
Dear Santa
I hope you are well and not too tired from making all those Christmas movies and specials that come out around this time of the year. I don’t want presents for myself this time. Instead, I would like you to help some of my relatives.
Please help my Uncle Channel Nine. Mum says he has demented, that disease where you forget everything. He forgot to show us the rest of his series called Fringe, which I really liked. In fact, his demented is so bad he showed episode six second, then forgot it altogether. All he does is wander around the house in his undies, wanting Chef Ramsay to do more cooking and making us watch Two and A Half Men. Also, Dad said that Uncle Channel Nine misses his dad Kerry so much that he’s disappeared so far up his colon he thinks we should only watch shows with the letters CSI in their names.
Please help my Aunty ABC with her craftwork, so she can make some Australian television shows, instead of buying those poncy Pommy shows where everybody, while dressed like they’re in that 80s band Ultravox, does nothing but wander around giant old houses, stare out the windows and then pash each other before racking off with someone else. Also, please help her boy Chris, who everybody loves and reckons is real funny, but I’m worried about him because he dresses up like a girl and tries to crack on to twelve-year-old boys.
Maybe you could bring our neighbours, the SBSs, some curtains or something, because the ladies of the house are always getting dressed in front of the window and showing their hairy armpits. I don’t understand what they say to me, but they seem nice and they’ve got lots more money since they put a billboard on the top of their house.
Could you do something about my cousin Channel Ten, who is really annoying me? Mum says Channel Ten and his mate Rove have got ADD, which is why they’re all over the place and shouting all the time.
Please help my big sister Channel Seven, as she has changed. Ever since she grew up and got the bumps in the right places, she reckons she’s hot stuff. I reckon she wants to be a supermodel or something. Dad reckons she dresses like a tart and she’ll be anybody’s for the right price, but Mum reckons she’s come of age and all the other kids should take a leaf out of her book, even though I’ve never seen her read anything. Maybe you could get her a new boyfriend, because her bloke Kochie is all smarmy and polite, but I don’t trust him.
Thanks, Santa
Matt (aged 47)
This piece originally appeared in ‘The Big Issue’.
Matt Quartermaine is a Melbourne-based writer and comedian. With Matt Parkinson, Tim Smith and Andrew Goodone, he produces ‘The Chat’, a weekly podcast in which four grown men in comfortable chairs spill their guts. Click here to download it for free at iTunes.
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